Saturday, 25 February 2017

Wasting My Young Years


I feel like I'm drifting at this stage of my life. Drifting between different realities of my life and what I want to become. I can't believe that I'm coming up to 20 years old this year. I'm not a child or a kid or whatever any more. Yet I can't quite seem go get to grips with adult life yet. 

I still don't know who I want to be... I don't know what I want to do with my life. Do I get to the point where it's too late to decide and there's no point? Because I definitely feel like I'm heading there.

I have so much envy for my friends and others that are studying or have a job in something they love. That are doing something that they want with their life. Whereas I'm just over here struggling to come to terms with the simple concepts of life. Sometimes I just feel like I might as well give up. I'm going around and around in circles and not getting anywhere. 

I have so many regrets already at 20 years old about who I am today and about what I haven't done with my life. I've done so many things to please other people that I've done nothing for myself. I didn't study the subjects I wanted too and I didn't grab the opportunity to do the things that I secretly loved. Am I still doing that now? I don't know... Am I wasting my young years? Well maybe I've already wasted them... I just don't know.

"I don't know" is becoming one of my most used phrases. I don't have the answers to any of the questions I'm asking of my life. Yet I so desperately want them... I want someone to tell me what to do, to tell me what I'm good at or what I'll become. I just can't ever seem to make the right decision.

So I'm back to the drifting feeling like I'm going through my life without a purpose at the moment. Without a sense of meaning of what I'm here to do. I want to make a difference to this world and I don't want to keep on drifting. I want to become someone who I can look back on and be like you've done everything you were here to do. I don't want to waste my life or my existence.

I sometimes feel like I'm naive in the sense that I'm so desperately clinging onto the idea that my dreams are going to come true. Honestly how many people can you say that happens too? But you never know. I want mine to come true yet I'm doing nothing about it. Again how am I going to be who I'm supposed to become if I don't try anything.

I'm full of fear that I'm not going to become the person that I want to be. That I'm not going to become the idea that little me used to dream of 20 year old me. I want to be her but I'm not. 

So I'm starting from the beginning again and trying to piece myself and my life back together. Trying to find things that I enjoy again. Trying new things even though it absolutely terrifies the life out of me. 

I know not everyone has the answers of who they want to be at an even older age than me... I know I'm still young and I've got time but unfortunately patience never was my thing. I just need time to discover life again and everything that comes with it... Everything that I feel like I've lost.

I need time but I'm not going to keep on drifting anymore.

It's time I stopped and faced my fears.

It's time that I start living.

Thank you for reading,
Alice-Tilly


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